As an empath and a lightworker i attract all sorts of people including the dreaded the narcissist. Now i must admit during your first experience with one, you probably won't know until the damage has been done because its pretty hard to believe that people really are that cruel. If you have been one of the poor people on the end of the emotional destructive whirlwind a narcissist leaves behind, then i hope this will resonate with you and i applaud you for looking for help. Hopefully this article will help you to recognise what is going on and stop the abuse before it gets worse.
A Narcissist is a completely different breed of person, much akin to a social/emotional vampire they have a mental imbalance and don't experience life they way you and i do. They will hunt, use and feed on you until you're completely broken. When you have nothing left to offer they will simply move on the the next source to feed their need and you will be discarded left feeling crazy and utterly confused about the entire relationship and what went wrong.
First off, your are not crazy. You didn't do anything wrong and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not the first person to fall victim and are definitely not alone on your journey to recovery.
If you are reading this because you suspect a narcissist in your life, i recommend doing your research and getting as far away from that person asap before anymore damage is done. This article will focus on the type you can get away from, if you are married to one and have children or have narcissist parents then thats a bit of a different ball game.
Some useful terms on the phases of the Narcissist abuse and cycle are:
*idolize, devalue, discard.
*Gaslighting, hoovering, smear campaign, mirroring/twin technique, harem/flying monkeys.
At their very essence they are a completely empty shell, unable to love and feel true emotions. Their entire personality is made up of grandiose stories and traits that they have taken from people they admire OR they are using to lure you in.
Much like a chemeleon they will do and say just about anything to convince you or their importance and win your admiration. Just because you are smart and intelligent doesn't mean you can’t fall for a narcissist. It happens to the best of us as they are very skilled at charming the socks off of anyone.
A narcissist has a quintessential desire to feel special, god like, they want your whole life to exist around them and for them. They want you to fall apart when they're not around. By becoming this figure of authority and importance in your life you become their new source of narcissistic supply for providing them with attention, approval, adoration, admiration, and giving them the control they crave so much. This is also how they feed on your energy spiritually like an endless black hole that is never filled.
Whilst you might not see it at first they have a huge fear of rejection/abandonment and this is the basis for all their behaviour.
A Narcissist has no problem spending a year planting little seeds in your mind before you even become their source. Every interaction in their life is carefully calculated and planned and even though they have a current victim they are always on the look out for the next one. They choose wisely, Empaths are a go-to, usually successful and powerful people with an underlying low-confidence are also a perfect choice. They will also go for people who have money or social contacts that the narcissist needs. They are attracted to all forms of power and if they can break you down into one of their sources, this brings great satisfaction to their desire to be god like.
Once they have decided you are a worthy target, stalked your social media, and have a pretty good knowledge of your nature and things you enjoy. The time to lure you in by any means necessary begins.
Also known as the idealize or honeymoon phase they will basically shower you with compliments, build you up and make you feel like the most important person in the world. During the “Love” stage they will do things that make you feel special, like telling you they cancelled other meetings to see you. By the end of the “love” phase most victims feel like this is their soulmate or “the one” but in reality they are just a pawn in a very abusive game.
A key warning sign during this phase is to look for any “confusing” statements like starting a compliment with a negative. You see the narcissist slowly gains control by making you confused and question your own reality. They will be subtly be planting seeds of self-doubt from the beginning, for example: “i think your crazy but i love how loyal you are to your family” see how sly this is, you might think its strange what they said but your entire focus will be on the “positive” end of the sentence. But on a subconscious level you will remember “crazy” and they will use a receptive key word like crazy to make sure it sticks. They say things like this because they already have all the future events carefully planned out and when the gaslighting starts they want you to doubt yourself.
During the “Love” stage they will do and say things that make you feel special like telling you they cancelled other meetings to see you, which is actually very clever because not only do you feel special you also end up feeling guilty on a subconscious level and want to make it up to them.
Using the “twin” or “mirroring” technique they will show similar interests, for example on your instagram they saw you like all things spiritual, all of a sudden they are talking about energy and horoscopes or numerology and you are left feeling so wonderful to have met a kindred soul. But yet again this is only a facade built to ensure you fall for and trust them entirely. Once they have you hooked its hard to get away if your unaware.
I can't stress this enough, Its important to never share your faults or important personal information with them because they will keep it and use it against you at a later time either during gaslighting, smearing, or even during the relationship to undermine you. They will probe and ask you questions about times you did something wrong or what you did when you were younger. NEVER share this information with a narcissist unless you want to whole world to use it against you later.
There is a very big difference between someone having a large ego and a Narcissist. Even though they are both very charming, the narcissist is very cunning but some warning signs you might notice on your first moments spending quality time together is “adhd like” behaviour, they can easily fidgit and talk about themselves for hours on end. Unable to sit in silence due to fear of feeling true emotions or revealing their true-self they just constantly blurt out stories and drama from their life which may or may not be true (this again pushes their reality onto you slowly over time). Usually the drama involves how badly other people have treated them or hurt them. Constant stories of people walking out and leaving them or cheating on them, they will also build up how good they were to those people or how much they helped them.
Subconsciously they want you to feel sorry for them and tap into your empathy and need to comfort or help them which can never be done. Please don't fool yourself into thinking you can “heal” a Narcissist.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where you no longer trust your own memory, perception or judgment.
Once they have lured you in, you trust them and have them set as a dependable figure in your life. Its now time for them to gaslight, break you down, shatter your confidence and push your boundaries.
Remember everything they do including gas lighting is setup to feed from your energy.
Gaslighting is also a very sly and planned series of events set up behind the scenes by the narcissist to make you blow-up or get upset. And once you do, they will manage turn it around and have you apologizing and feeling crazy for getting upset. They will never show remorse for anything they have done. Keep in mind to them, you are a character in their internal play, not a real person with your own thoughts and feelings so they don't care if you are hurt.
Narcissists are extremely subtle and manipulative so please don't fall for it.
You may have been talking non-stop every day to all of a sudden being ghosted by them for no reason, or after spending a week together on holidays they go MIA for a week for a friends birthday without calling or txting you etc. This isn't the way normal partners behave and if yours is doing something familiar its a tell tale sign that A he's a narcissist and B he's gas lighting you. Knowing that his behaviour is going to upset you he's just waiting silently for you to blow-up and once you do confront them they will say your out of line, crazy and somehow it will be your fault. They will have you apologising when you haven't done anything wrong. When you confront a narcissist or they feel criticized or less than perfect, they place all the blame and responsibility onto you Leaving most victims so confused and broken they will try anything to “fix” what went wrong or behave better.
They tell you or others that you are crazy.
This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it's dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It's a master technique.
See they need a source to feed from and that means having them constantly in your mind. They know that you are replaying everything that happened in your mind and this feeds their ego even more.
Even just thinking about them is using and sending your energy to them. You might be spending days writing the perfect text or going over in your mind what you would say to them or how things could have been different, let me just say please stop it right now. Its not your reality, don’t let them break you down and steal your energy.
Whats even worse is us as humans usually feel a need to prove that we were right or prove that they love us or prove we are worthy. Some victims have been so broken down by their narcissist abuser that they go to all extents of plastic surgery just to get their attention or prove that they can be what the narcissist desires.
Wanting to prove yourself to them feeds their internal reality of being a god-like figure who controls you and it brings them so much delight to know that you are breaking down. The more insecure you become, the more powerful your narcissist becomes.
After your fall out, if you are unaware that your are with a narcissist, he will try to come back into your life and be the perfect person you fell for in the beginning. The signature Jackle and Hyde performance of the good and bad side in all narcissists returns, Its actually the push/pull behaviour they use that causes the trauma bonding (stockholm-syndrome) and co-dependency needs that leaves the victim so damaged.
He may leave you for a month and randomly send a txt and say “hey wats up” and then not reply again or have any real intention of talking to you. His main purpose is to hook you back in and make you think about them again.
Dont fall for it because he/she doesn't care about you. I know its harsh but its true. The quicker you can realise this and move on, the quicker you can heal and forget about what happened.
As you change and lose all sense of self in order to please the narcissist, you will no longer be appealing. They will have probably already found their new victim for supply and no-longer need you apart from the occasional message here and there to make sure you are still hooked on the line and waiting for their every beck and call. Hence the discard phase begins. The discard phase is when you finally see them for who they truly are, cold, heartless and brutal. Its important to never share your faults or important personal information with them because this is when they will use it against you during the smear campaign.
It is no surprise, then, that the narcissist will probably begin a smear campaign against you not too long after the discard phase, in order to paint you as the unstable one.
This is usually successful with the narcissist’s support network or “harem” (bunch of flying monkeys who do all the work).
Their Harem tends to consist of other narcissists, sociopaths, people-pleasers, empaths, as well as people who are easily charmed or whom they have control over such as their staff or people they have charmed and purchased gifts for etc. The Narcissist will use their harem to spread rumours and paint you as the crazy one whilst they keep their reputation intact and never have to lift a finger.
The only way to not get pulled into this tactic is by going full No contact with both the narcissist and his harem.
Whilst being the victim of a narcissist is very traumatic, it isn't the end of the world. You are strong enough to get through this.
You are wonderful, gorgeous, perfect, smart and strong. Don't punish yourself for the mental disease of your abuser. Cut them off and walk away now.
This post is already pretty long now but next time i will write about particular techniques you can use to overcome a Narcissist.
As always sending you love and light
Top Tips on how to not take things so personally.
I want to talk about how to stay strong in your own space and not let the actions of others affect you. Unfortunately in life people will do and say things that may leave you feeling hurt and confused about the way they behaved. A common expression i am sure you have heard is “I cant believe they did that” or “how could they do that to me” but the truth of the matter is, it most likely had nothing to do with you at all.
You see even though we are all part of a collective consciousness, everyone is living their own personal projection of consciousness through their own reality. Sure, we bounce off and into each others projections all the time but lets face it our own projections are mainly about us and our loved ones. We aren't emotionally attached to everyone and thats why you might have hurt someone and not even known why OR that it ever happened.
Think about a time when you have unintentionally hurt someone, or they took something personally that wasn't at all what you intended, of course you apologised but did it truly bother you the next day? or were you just left confused about why they got so upset? Thats because they weren't a part of your personal reality and its a two way street. This is the biggest key when it comes to not taking things so personally. When we do take things personally we end up projecting our own insecurities and pain onto various encounters we have in life and whilst you might be left brooding for weeks on end, the other person is living life as normal and you haven't even crossed their mind.
I hope you are having a lightbulb ah ha moment now as understanding this fully is truly going to help you not sweat the small stuff. Learning not to take things personally will honestly change your life and relationships with those around you.
In the past i have been hurt so many times and my reaction EVERY single time was probably the same as most of you, “gosh how could they do that to me” i am such a kind person. When the roles are reversed on the other hand and its someone that you have hurt i find its a much easier concept to understand.
A perfect example of when i experienced this is when my son was just over 12 months old (during the days when you haven't slept since before they were born and life is pretty tough, not to mention being on my own as a single mum) Getting my son to sleep is a mission in its self and that nap-time was a much needed respite for myself too. The lady in the apartment above me started to get a cleaner right during his nap time and because i live in an old building it literally sounded like bombs going off on their old wooden floorboards. After a few weeks I politely sent her a text saying something along the lines of: “i know you don't have kids and probably don't understand what its like, but would you please mind asking your cleaner to come at a morning time instead?”. Much to my dismay she had a complete meltdown said that i was out of line, mean and abusive??? I was left in shock and couldn't really believe what had happened.
Turns out she was upset because she had tried to have kids and couldn’t. She was projecting her own personal reality and pain onto what i had said which was nothing to do with what she had experienced in her past. Once i realised this, my way of thinking shifted dramatically and thats the key reason i don't take things so personally anymore. Of course emotions will arise, you feel that knot in your stomach and your heart starts pounding, but those are just emotions that you can learn to become aware of and master who is in control. You or your emotions. So next time this happens, please remind yourself that A its not about you and B there is definitely nothing wrong with you. Recognise what is happening and become aware of who's reality is taking root.
Take a look at the way your feeling, are you angry? in pain, embarrassed? Remember, when we take things personally we are projecting our own insecurities.
"What is Anger? It's the punishment we give ourselves for someone else's mistakes." unknown quote
If your angry its most likely because you are thinking how can they treat me like that which takes us back to the beginning and understanding we are all living a personal projection of reality inside the collective consciousness. Pride and ego step into play at these times because we want to prove we are right and they were wrong, but feeding those negative emotions only keeps you in a lower vibration. I can guarantee the other person who hurt you probably hasn't even thought about it twice so don't let your energy go into those downward spirals. Close your eyes, Take a deep breath and remember “ its not your reality”.
Your reality is beautiful, positive and full of love. No-one can hurt you when you stand strong in your own space my ninja angels!
As aways sending you Love and Light,
Love Kelly xxx
"Hopefully you find my posts helpful, Inspiring and last but not least entertaining"
As you can see the website has undergone a bit of an overhaul. What was once a business site is now a personal blog which allows me the opportunity to share myself with you.
Don't worry the Vegan shoes are still available at the new site www.vflvegansforlife.com and i have attached the link in the shop area too :) I know a lot of you will end up here looking for the shoes, so big sigh of relief they are still available. So what will i be talking about on this blog? Pretty much anything and everything. From Veganism and lifestyle blogs to crystals and meditation. Oh don't forget raising a vegan baby, being a single mum, starting a business, etc etc etc. Hmm the list keeps getting longer, looks like i better get started asap! Hopefully you find my posts helpful, inspiring and last but not least entertaining ^_^
Over the years i have lived in a Chinese martial arts temple, in Thailand studying yoga, in India studying Ayurveda and Reiki, Guatemala oh so many beautiful places. I Have been blessed enough to hang out and meditate with Daoist Masters, Kung Fu masters and even met the Dalai Lama In Dharamsala.
I am a 15th Generation Disciple, an Initiated Reiki Master, Spent 6 months studying yoga full-time with 550hrs + 200h RYT Certifications and 100 hours extra study in Thailand.
Phew that was a long paragraph!
When i read it out loud, actually even when i tell people all the things i have done, i feel like its from a movie lol. With all the adventures i have been on I am sure we will have lots of fun with content from here on in.
My new life is little bit more "tame" raising a vegan child on my own and running a business, i hope we can have a laugh and inspire each other on our journeys.
I would love to hear from you so please send me an email and let me know some topics you would like to read about.
Well i have to go and pick up my little prince from pre-school/daycare so until next time….
Always looking on the bright side...
Love and Light,
What a fantastic day!
Thank you to all the crew who made it happen. It was a hot day but we managed to get some Stunning Shots.
We are very happy to announce that our Signature Compassion Sneakers will be on the Runway at World Vegan Day. The Fashion show will be organised by Style and runway Australia and is a great opportunity to showcase upcoming vegan fashion and designers.
For more information please find button links below: