As an empath and a lightworker i attract all sorts of people including the dreaded the narcissist. Now i must admit during your first experience with one, you probably won't know until the damage has been done because its pretty hard to believe that people really are that cruel. If you have been one of the poor people on the end of the emotional destructive whirlwind a narcissist leaves behind, then i hope this will resonate with you and i applaud you for looking for help. Hopefully this article will help you to recognise what is going on and stop the abuse before it gets worse.
A Narcissist is a completely different breed of person, much akin to a social/emotional vampire they have a mental imbalance and don't experience life they way you and i do. They will hunt, use and feed on you until you're completely broken. When you have nothing left to offer they will simply move on the the next source to feed their need and you will be discarded left feeling crazy and utterly confused about the entire relationship and what went wrong.
First off, your are not crazy. You didn't do anything wrong and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not the first person to fall victim and are definitely not alone on your journey to recovery.
If you are reading this because you suspect a narcissist in your life, i recommend doing your research and getting as far away from that person asap before anymore damage is done. This article will focus on the type you can get away from, if you are married to one and have children or have narcissist parents then thats a bit of a different ball game.
Some useful terms on the phases of the Narcissist abuse and cycle are:
*idolize, devalue, discard.
*Gaslighting, hoovering, smear campaign, mirroring/twin technique, harem/flying monkeys.
At their very essence they are a completely empty shell, unable to love and feel true emotions. Their entire personality is made up of grandiose stories and traits that they have taken from people they admire OR they are using to lure you in.
Much like a chemeleon they will do and say just about anything to convince you or their importance and win your admiration. Just because you are smart and intelligent doesn't mean you can’t fall for a narcissist. It happens to the best of us as they are very skilled at charming the socks off of anyone.
A narcissist has a quintessential desire to feel special, god like, they want your whole life to exist around them and for them. They want you to fall apart when they're not around. By becoming this figure of authority and importance in your life you become their new source of narcissistic supply for providing them with attention, approval, adoration, admiration, and giving them the control they crave so much. This is also how they feed on your energy spiritually like an endless black hole that is never filled.
Whilst you might not see it at first they have a huge fear of rejection/abandonment and this is the basis for all their behaviour.
A Narcissist has no problem spending a year planting little seeds in your mind before you even become their source. Every interaction in their life is carefully calculated and planned and even though they have a current victim they are always on the look out for the next one. They choose wisely, Empaths are a go-to, usually successful and powerful people with an underlying low-confidence are also a perfect choice. They will also go for people who have money or social contacts that the narcissist needs. They are attracted to all forms of power and if they can break you down into one of their sources, this brings great satisfaction to their desire to be god like.
Once they have decided you are a worthy target, stalked your social media, and have a pretty good knowledge of your nature and things you enjoy. The time to lure you in by any means necessary begins.
Also known as the idealize or honeymoon phase they will basically shower you with compliments, build you up and make you feel like the most important person in the world. During the “Love” stage they will do things that make you feel special, like telling you they cancelled other meetings to see you. By the end of the “love” phase most victims feel like this is their soulmate or “the one” but in reality they are just a pawn in a very abusive game.
A key warning sign during this phase is to look for any “confusing” statements like starting a compliment with a negative. You see the narcissist slowly gains control by making you confused and question your own reality. They will be subtly be planting seeds of self-doubt from the beginning, for example: “i think your crazy but i love how loyal you are to your family” see how sly this is, you might think its strange what they said but your entire focus will be on the “positive” end of the sentence. But on a subconscious level you will remember “crazy” and they will use a receptive key word like crazy to make sure it sticks. They say things like this because they already have all the future events carefully planned out and when the gaslighting starts they want you to doubt yourself.
During the “Love” stage they will do and say things that make you feel special like telling you they cancelled other meetings to see you, which is actually very clever because not only do you feel special you also end up feeling guilty on a subconscious level and want to make it up to them.
Using the “twin” or “mirroring” technique they will show similar interests, for example on your instagram they saw you like all things spiritual, all of a sudden they are talking about energy and horoscopes or numerology and you are left feeling so wonderful to have met a kindred soul. But yet again this is only a facade built to ensure you fall for and trust them entirely. Once they have you hooked its hard to get away if your unaware.
I can't stress this enough, Its important to never share your faults or important personal information with them because they will keep it and use it against you at a later time either during gaslighting, smearing, or even during the relationship to undermine you. They will probe and ask you questions about times you did something wrong or what you did when you were younger. NEVER share this information with a narcissist unless you want to whole world to use it against you later.
There is a very big difference between someone having a large ego and a Narcissist. Even though they are both very charming, the narcissist is very cunning but some warning signs you might notice on your first moments spending quality time together is “adhd like” behaviour, they can easily fidgit and talk about themselves for hours on end. Unable to sit in silence due to fear of feeling true emotions or revealing their true-self they just constantly blurt out stories and drama from their life which may or may not be true (this again pushes their reality onto you slowly over time). Usually the drama involves how badly other people have treated them or hurt them. Constant stories of people walking out and leaving them or cheating on them, they will also build up how good they were to those people or how much they helped them.
Subconsciously they want you to feel sorry for them and tap into your empathy and need to comfort or help them which can never be done. Please don't fool yourself into thinking you can “heal” a Narcissist.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where you no longer trust your own memory, perception or judgment.
Once they have lured you in, you trust them and have them set as a dependable figure in your life. Its now time for them to gaslight, break you down, shatter your confidence and push your boundaries.
Remember everything they do including gas lighting is setup to feed from your energy.
Gaslighting is also a very sly and planned series of events set up behind the scenes by the narcissist to make you blow-up or get upset. And once you do, they will manage turn it around and have you apologizing and feeling crazy for getting upset. They will never show remorse for anything they have done. Keep in mind to them, you are a character in their internal play, not a real person with your own thoughts and feelings so they don't care if you are hurt.
Narcissists are extremely subtle and manipulative so please don't fall for it.
You may have been talking non-stop every day to all of a sudden being ghosted by them for no reason, or after spending a week together on holidays they go MIA for a week for a friends birthday without calling or txting you etc. This isn't the way normal partners behave and if yours is doing something familiar its a tell tale sign that A he's a narcissist and B he's gas lighting you. Knowing that his behaviour is going to upset you he's just waiting silently for you to blow-up and once you do confront them they will say your out of line, crazy and somehow it will be your fault. They will have you apologising when you haven't done anything wrong. When you confront a narcissist or they feel criticized or less than perfect, they place all the blame and responsibility onto you Leaving most victims so confused and broken they will try anything to “fix” what went wrong or behave better.
They tell you or others that you are crazy.
This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it's dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It's a master technique.
See they need a source to feed from and that means having them constantly in your mind. They know that you are replaying everything that happened in your mind and this feeds their ego even more.
Even just thinking about them is using and sending your energy to them. You might be spending days writing the perfect text or going over in your mind what you would say to them or how things could have been different, let me just say please stop it right now. Its not your reality, don’t let them break you down and steal your energy.
Whats even worse is us as humans usually feel a need to prove that we were right or prove that they love us or prove we are worthy. Some victims have been so broken down by their narcissist abuser that they go to all extents of plastic surgery just to get their attention or prove that they can be what the narcissist desires.
Wanting to prove yourself to them feeds their internal reality of being a god-like figure who controls you and it brings them so much delight to know that you are breaking down. The more insecure you become, the more powerful your narcissist becomes.
After your fall out, if you are unaware that your are with a narcissist, he will try to come back into your life and be the perfect person you fell for in the beginning. The signature Jackle and Hyde performance of the good and bad side in all narcissists returns, Its actually the push/pull behaviour they use that causes the trauma bonding (stockholm-syndrome) and co-dependency needs that leaves the victim so damaged.
He may leave you for a month and randomly send a txt and say “hey wats up” and then not reply again or have any real intention of talking to you. His main purpose is to hook you back in and make you think about them again.
Dont fall for it because he/she doesn't care about you. I know its harsh but its true. The quicker you can realise this and move on, the quicker you can heal and forget about what happened.
As you change and lose all sense of self in order to please the narcissist, you will no longer be appealing. They will have probably already found their new victim for supply and no-longer need you apart from the occasional message here and there to make sure you are still hooked on the line and waiting for their every beck and call. Hence the discard phase begins. The discard phase is when you finally see them for who they truly are, cold, heartless and brutal. Its important to never share your faults or important personal information with them because this is when they will use it against you during the smear campaign.
It is no surprise, then, that the narcissist will probably begin a smear campaign against you not too long after the discard phase, in order to paint you as the unstable one.
This is usually successful with the narcissist’s support network or “harem” (bunch of flying monkeys who do all the work).
Their Harem tends to consist of other narcissists, sociopaths, people-pleasers, empaths, as well as people who are easily charmed or whom they have control over such as their staff or people they have charmed and purchased gifts for etc. The Narcissist will use their harem to spread rumours and paint you as the crazy one whilst they keep their reputation intact and never have to lift a finger.
The only way to not get pulled into this tactic is by going full No contact with both the narcissist and his harem.
Whilst being the victim of a narcissist is very traumatic, it isn't the end of the world. You are strong enough to get through this.
You are wonderful, gorgeous, perfect, smart and strong. Don't punish yourself for the mental disease of your abuser. Cut them off and walk away now.
This post is already pretty long now but next time i will write about particular techniques you can use to overcome a Narcissist.
As always sending you love and light